For as long as I could remember, I was a perfectionist.
At school and university, it meant rewriting my notes because my handwriting wasn’t neat enough, rewriting an entire page because I made one mistake, or reading more and more papers because I just had to know everything about a subject so I wouldn't get 'caught out'. At work, it meant agonising over an email for twice as long as necessary, tweaking each sentence so it sounded just right, filling every minute of my diary so I could be busier than everyone else, or taking on far too much for the fear of what people might think. At home, it meant reloading the dishwasher after someone else had done it, because—let’s be honest—they did it wrong, or not being able to leave for work until I had plumped up every cushion on the sofa.
If any of this sounds familiar, you might be a perfectionist too.
On the surface, perfectionism can seem like a good thing. Who wouldn’t want to be someone who strives for excellence, pays attention to detail, and holds themselves to high standards? Here I sit with a plethora of qualifications to my name because at one time in my life I strove for nothing but perfection. But beneath the shiny exterior, perfectionism can be exhausting, anxiety-inducing, and, ironically, paralysing unless you learn to be the master of it.
So, what is perfectionism really? What isn’t it? And how can we hold ourselves to high standards without drowning in self-criticism? Let’s unpack it all.
What Is Perfectionism?
Perfectionism is often misunderstood as simply wanting to do well, but it goes much deeper than that. It’s not just about setting high standards—it’s about feeling as though anything less than perfect is unacceptable. It’s the relentless pursuit of flawlessness, fuelled by an underlying fear: the fear of failure, of criticism, of being judged, or of simply not being ‘good enough.’
At its heart, perfectionism is about control. The belief is that if we can just get everything right—if we never make mistakes, if we always meet expectations, if we do everything ‘perfectly’—then we can avoid discomfort, disappointment, embarrassment, or feelings of inadequacy. But here’s the irony: perfectionism doesn’t actually protect us from these things—it actually makes us more vulnerable to them as the bar of perfection goes ever higher.
Because perfectionism is built on the idea that mistakes are dangerous, any imperfection—no matter how small—feels like a failure. And when failure feels intolerable, we respond in ways that are meant to protect us but actually hold us back. We procrastinate, overwork, obsess over details, avoid risks, or engage in self-criticism, all in an attempt to stay in control. But rather than creating success, these patterns often lead to stress, anxiety, and exhaustion.
The Different Types of Perfectionism
Not all perfectionism looks the same. In fact, psychologists identify different types of perfectionism, each with its own challenges.
1. Self-Oriented Perfectionism
This is the internal pressure to meet impossibly high personal standards. If you have self-oriented perfectionism, you might:
Set excessively high goals and feel disappointed even when you achieve them.
Engage in harsh self-criticism if you fall short.
Struggle to take pride in accomplishments because you always feel you could have done better.
Experience burnout from pushing yourself too hard.
People with self-oriented perfectionism tend to be highly driven, but their motivation often comes from a fear of failure rather than a genuine love of achievement. Achievement simply reinforces this.
2. Socially Prescribed Perfectionism
This form of perfectionism is rooted in the belief that others expect us to be perfect. It often develops from environments where approval and acceptance seem conditional on performance. If you experience socially prescribed perfectionism, you may:
Feel intense pressure to meet other people’s expectations.
Worry excessively about disappointing or being judged by others.
Struggle with impostor syndrome, feeling like you’re not truly good enough despite external success.
Experience high levels of anxiety, as your self-worth feels tied to how others perceive you.
Socially prescribed perfectionism is particularly linked to mental health struggles, including anxiety, depression, and stress, because it creates a sense of external control—your self-esteem depends on what others think, which is something you can never fully control.
3. Other-Oriented Perfectionism
This is when someone expects perfection from other people. It can lead to being overly critical, impatient, or frustrated when others don’t meet high standards. Signs of other-oriented perfectionism include:
Having little tolerance for mistakes in others.
Struggling to delegate tasks because “no one else will do it right.”
Feeling disappointed in people who don’t meet your expectations.
Experiencing difficulties in relationships due to high demands.
While other-oriented perfectionism might look like confidence, it often stems from deeper insecurities—a need for control, a fear of things going wrong, or even an unconscious projection of one’s own self-criticism onto others.
The Perfectionism Cycle: How It Becomes a Never-Ending Loop
Perfectionism isn’t just a set of behaviours—it’s a cycle that reinforces itself over time. Here’s how it typically plays out:
1. Setting Unrealistic Standards – It starts with impossibly high expectations, either for yourself or others. These might seem motivating at first but are often unachievable.
2. Fear of Falling Short – Because perfection is unattainable, anxiety kicks in. You start feeling the pressure of what if I don’t measure up?
3. Overcompensating or Avoiding – You might respond by working excessively hard (burnout) or by avoiding the task altogether (procrastination). Either way, stress levels rise.
4. Self-Criticism and Guilt – If things don’t turn out ‘perfectly,’ you blame yourself. Even if others see your work as great, you focus on the flaws, reinforcing the belief that you need to be even better next time.
5. Short-Term Relief, Long-Term Pressure – If you do succeed, the relief is temporary. Instead of celebrating, you think, I got lucky or I could have done better.
6. And so, the cycle starts again.
Horribly this can all be beyond our conscious thoughts, it can be an unconscious cycle we fall into. Do you recognise this?
Not everyone experiences perfectionism in the same way, but for most, it’s a constant cycle of setting high expectations, feeling like we fall short, and criticising ourselves for not being good enough. Either that or we achieve as near as possible to perfection, don't really get a sense of achievement and then increase our expectations for next time.
This cycle is exhausting, but the good news is that it’s possible to break free. Recognising that perfectionism is a learned behaviour, not an unchangeable trait, is the first step toward creating a healthier relationship with achievement.
What Perfectionism Is NOT
There’s a lot of misunderstanding around perfectionism, so let’s clear a few things up.
Perfectionism is NOT just about working hard. You can be ambitious, driven, and dedicated without being a perfectionist. The difference? Non-perfectionists can accept ‘good enough’ and move on. Perfectionists often feel that ‘good enough’ is never actually good enough.
Perfectionism is NOT the same as having high standards. Wanting to do well is healthy. Perfectionism, on the other hand, is when high standards turn into self-punishment. It’s when success feels necessary for self-worth rather than something to celebrate.
Perfectionism is NOT a personality trait you ‘just have.’ Many people wear their perfectionism like a badge of honour, believing it’s simply ‘who they are.’ But perfectionism isn’t an unchangeable trait—it’s a behavioural pattern shaped by experiences, beliefs, and coping mechanisms. And like all patterns, it can be reshaped.
How Does Perfectionism Develop?
No one is born a perfectionist. Babies don’t worry about making mistakes, impressing others, or meeting impossible standards—they experiment, stumble, learn, and try again. But somewhere along the way, some of us begin to believe that mistakes are unacceptable, that our worth is tied to achievement, and that we must constantly prove ourselves.
So, where does perfectionism come from? It’s usually a combination of early experiences, social influences, and internal beliefs that reinforce the idea that we need to be perfect in order to be valued, successful, or safe. Sometimes it can help to understand where your perfectionism originated and talking to a therapist can really help you outline where this all started for you.
1. Childhood Experiences: When Success Becomes Self-Worth
Many perfectionists develop their tendencies in childhood. The messages we receive—spoken or unspoken—shape the way we see ourselves and the world.
Praise for Achievement, Not Effort
If you grew up being praised mainly for outcomes rather than effort, you may have learned that your value depends on what you achieve, not on your dedication, curiosity, or growth.
For example:
"You’re so smart!" instead of "You worked really hard on that!"
"You’re the best in your class!" instead of "I love how much you enjoy learning!"
The sad thing here is this is often done with great love and pride by our parents or loved ones. While well-intentioned, these messages can lead a child to believe that being naturally talented and successful is what matters most. As a result, they may start to avoid challenges, fearing that struggling or failing would mean they’re not as smart or capable as they thought.
Criticism and Fear of Mistakes
On the flip side, if mistakes were met with criticism, shame, or disappointment, you might have developed a deep-seated fear of failure.
If you got a 95% on a test and the response was, “What happened to the other 5%?” you may have internalised the idea that almost perfect is still not good enough.
If making mistakes led to anger, punishment, or embarrassment, you might have learned that failure is dangerous and should be avoided at all costs.
This kind of upbringing can make mistakes feel unbearable, leading to perfectionist tendencies as a defence mechanism—a way to protect yourself from criticism or rejection.
2. Fear of Disapproval: The Pressure to Be ‘Good Enough’
Some perfectionists grew up in environments where love, praise, or attention felt conditional—only given when they were excelling or meeting high expectations.
For example:
If you only received approval when you were achieving, you may have learned that your worth is tied to success.
If you were frequently compared to siblings, classmates, or peers, you may have felt like you had to constantly prove yourself to be valued.
If you had emotionally unavailable parents, you might have tried to earn their attention by being ‘perfect’—a way of seeking security in an unpredictable environment.
In these situations, mistakes don’t just feel like errors—they feel like threats to your relationships. This can lead to a lifelong fear of disapproval, making perfectionism a way of trying to stay accepted, loved, and safe.
3. Society and Cultural Expectations: The Pressure to Always Be More
Even if childhood experiences plant the seed of perfectionism, society waters it. We live in a world that glorifies success but often hides the struggles, failures, and imperfections behind it.
The Social Media Illusion
Perfectionism thrives in an environment where only ‘highlight reels’ are shown. Social media bombards us with carefully curated images of success, beauty, and achievement, making it easy to believe that everyone else has life figured out. When we only see the final polished result, not the mistakes, revisions, and struggles behind it, we start to feel like we must meet the same impossible standard.
Cultural Expectations and High-Performance Environments
Certain cultures, professions, and environments reinforce perfectionism by setting sky-high expectations:
Academic pressure: Schools and universities often reward perfectionist behaviours—straight A’s, flawless work, overachievement—without acknowledging the toll it takes.
Workplace culture: Many workplaces encourage always-on productivity, making people feel like they can never rest, fail, or show vulnerability.
Cultural upbringing: Some cultural backgrounds place strong emphasis on achievement, family reputation, or being ‘the best,’ making failure feel like a personal or familial shame rather than a normal part of growth.
Over time, these external pressures become internalised—even if no one is explicitly telling you to be perfect, you feel like you should be. My academic achievements included scholarships for academic excellence, the highest possible marks awarded at the highest levels possible, and whilst I felt a small sense of pride for literally a few moments when I achieved these things, the drive to then meet the next marker of perfection would set in.
4. Internal Beliefs and Self-Talk: The Voice of the Inner Critic
Perfectionism isn’t just about what happens around us—it’s also about what happens inside us. Over time, external pressures turn into internal beliefs, shaping how we speak to ourselves.
Common Perfectionist Thoughts
Perfectionists often have an internal dialogue that sounds something like this:
“If I don’t get this right, I’ll fail.”
“If I fail, people will think I’m not good enough.”
“If I’m not good enough, I won’t be valued or accepted.”
These thoughts create a powerful fear-based mindset, where mistakes feel like proof that we are fundamentally flawed.
The Cycle of Self-Criticism
Perfectionism isn’t just about aiming high—it’s about how we react when we don’t meet those expectations. Rather than seeing mistakes as learning opportunities, perfectionists often:
· Blame themselves – “I should have done better. What’s wrong with me?”
· Minimise their achievements – “Anyone could have done this, it’s nothing special.”
· Fear judgement from others – “People will think I’m not capable if they see my flaws.”
Over time, this self-criticism becomes second nature, making it hard to separate who we are from what we achieve. The result? Even when perfectionists succeed, they rarely feel satisfied—because the goalposts keep moving.
What Perfectionism Looks Like in Daily Life
Perfectionism isn’t always obvious. It can manifest in different ways, such as:
Overworking – Spending excessive time on tasks, even minor ones, to ensure they’re flawless.
Procrastination – Avoiding tasks altogether because the fear of not doing them ‘perfectly’ feels overwhelming.
Difficulty making decisions – Overanalysing choices, fearing the ‘wrong’ decision will have catastrophic consequences.
Struggling to accept praise – Brushing off compliments because you feel like you should have done even better.
Being highly critical of others – Holding people to the same impossibly high standards you set for yourself.
All-or-nothing thinking – Believing that anything less than perfect is a failure (e.g., “If I don’t get this right, I’ve completely messed up”).
The Pros and Cons of Perfectionism
Like most traits, perfectionism exists on a spectrum—it’s not entirely good or bad. While it can drive high achievement and personal success, it can also lead to stress, anxiety, and an inability to enjoy the results of one’s efforts. The key is understanding when perfectionism serves you and when it holds you back.
Positives of Perfectionism: The Strengths That Drive Success
Perfectionism isn’t all bad. In fact, many of its qualities—when kept in check—can lead to exceptional performance, success, and personal growth. Here’s how:
1. High Motivation and Ambition
Perfectionists are often driven and goal-oriented, striving to do their best in whatever they take on. This ambition can be a powerful force, pushing them to work harder, set high standards, and achieve impressive results.
Many top athletes, scientists, and leaders have perfectionist tendencies, using their drive to reach remarkable heights.
When channelled correctly, perfectionism can fuel innovation, progress, and mastery in one’s chosen field.
Balanced perfectionism: “I want to do my best and improve over time.”
Unhealthy perfectionism: “I must be the best, or I have failed.”
2. Attention to Detail
Perfectionists tend to notice things others might overlook. Their precision, thoroughness, and careful approach can be a significant asset in:
Professions that require accuracy, such as medicine, law, science, and engineering.
Creative fields, where details can make a significant difference, like design, writing, or filmmaking.
Everyday life, ensuring high-quality work in tasks that require care and organisation.
However, over-focusing on details can also be a downside if it leads to overthinking or an inability to move forward.
3. Strong Work Ethic
Perfectionists are known for their commitment, discipline, and perseverance. They don’t settle for mediocrity, and they put in serious effort to achieve their goals.
They’re often the people who stay late at work to perfect a project or go the extra mile in their personal and professional lives.
Their strong work ethic often earns them respect and admiration from colleagues, employers, and peers.
However, a relentless work ethic can turn into burnout if there’s no balance between effort and rest.
4. Persistence in Achieving Goals
One of the greatest strengths of perfectionists is their determination. When they set their mind to something, they don’t give up easily.
They keep working even when challenges arise.
They push through obstacles that might discourage others.
They often excel in competitive or demanding environments because of their resilience.
The challenge? Perfectionists sometimes struggle with knowing when to stop—they may keep pushing beyond what is necessary, leading to diminishing returns on effort.
Negatives of Perfectionism: The Hidden Costs of ‘Never Enough’
While perfectionism can drive achievement, it also comes with downsides that can impact mental health, relationships, and overall well-being.
A. Increased Stress and Anxiety
Perfectionists often experience constant pressure to perform at their best, leading to:
Chronic stress – The brain is always on high alert, scanning for mistakes.
Anxiety – Worrying about falling short can cause overthinking, sleepless nights, and self-doubt.
Physical health problems – Long-term stress can lead to headaches, muscle tension, digestive issues, and other health concerns.
Perfectionists often struggle to relax because their minds are always occupied with what still needs to be done.
B. Fear of Failure Leading to Procrastination
Perfectionism and procrastination are closely linked. The fear of not meeting expectations can make it hard to start tasks in the first place.
Instead of diving into a project, a perfectionist might put it off, thinking:
“I need to wait until I have enough time to do it perfectly.”
“If I don’t feel 100% ready, I shouldn’t even start.”
The result? Missed deadlines, rushed work, or last-minute stress.
Ironically, procrastination often creates the very thing perfectionists fear most—imperfection.
C. Struggles with Self-Worth Tied to Achievements
Perfectionists often base their self-esteem on their success. If they meet their high standards, they feel good about themselves. If they don’t, they feel like a failure.
This creates a fragile sense of self-worth, because it relies entirely on performance rather than intrinsic value.
Perfectionists may feel:
Loved when they achieve, invisible when they fail.
Good enough when they succeed, unworthy when they don’t.
This mindset can lead to low self-esteem, depression, and a cycle of never feeling ‘enough’—even when accomplishments are significant.
D. Difficulty Enjoying Success Because ‘It Could Have Been Better’
Even when perfectionists achieve something great, they often feel unsatisfied. Instead of celebrating their accomplishments, they focus on what they could have done better.
If they score a 98% on a test, they think, “Why didn’t I get 100%?”
If they receive praise, they downplay it: “It wasn’t that big of a deal.”
If they complete a major project, instead of feeling relief, they start worrying about the next task.
This can make life feel like an endless race—no matter how much they achieve, it’s never quite enough.
Balancing the Strengths and Weaknesses of Perfectionism
The goal isn’t to eliminate perfectionism entirely—after all, its strengths can be valuable. The key is to learn how to manage it so that it works for you, not against you.
The most successful people are often ‘recovering perfectionists’—those who have learned to embrace their strengths while letting go of unrealistic expectations.
So, the challenge isn’t about lowering your standards—it’s about making sure those standards serve you, rather than control you.
Breaking the Cycle: Awareness Is the First Step
Perfectionism isn’t something we wake up one day and decide to have—it’s a pattern that develops over time. The good news? That means it can also be unlearned.
Understanding where your perfectionism comes from is the first step toward breaking free from it. Ask yourself:
· What messages did I receive about success, failure, and self-worth growing up?
· Where do I feel the most pressure to be perfect? (Work? Relationships? Appearance?)
· What happens in my mind when I make a mistake?
· If I stopped striving for perfection, what would I be afraid of?
By bringing these patterns into awareness, we can start to challenge them, rewrite our internal beliefs, and learn that we don’t have to be perfect to be worthy, successful, or loved. Over time I have learned that I need to take time to evaluate what I have completed and recognise it for what it is, rather than find fault in it.
How to Overcome Perfectionism
As I have mentioned, breaking free from perfectionism doesn’t mean lowering your standards—it means changing your relationship with them. Here’s how:
1. Challenge All-or-Nothing Thinking
Not everything is black and white. If you score 90% on something, it’s still an A. Remind yourself that ‘good enough’ really is good enough in most situations.
2. Redefine Success
Instead of defining success as ‘perfect,’ try defining it as progress, effort, or growth.
3. Set Realistic Goals
Perfectionists often set impossible expectations. Try asking yourself: Would I expect this from a friend? If not, it might be too much.
4. Embrace Mistakes as Learning Opportunities
Instead of fearing failure, see it as feedback. Every mistake is a step toward improvement.
5. Practice Self-Compassion
Would you speak to a friend the way you speak to yourself? If not, it’s time to change your inner dialogue.
6. Define for yourself what good enough looks like
If your mind wants perfection and you know that isn't realistic, define what would be good enough before you start – manage your expectations and then there can be a sense of achievement.
Final Thoughts: Learning to Live Beyond Perfectionism
Perfectionism can feel like a loyal companion—always pushing you to do better, work harder, and avoid mistakes. It promises that if you just try a little bit more, you’ll finally feel successful, confident, or enough.
But the truth is, perfectionism is a moving target. No matter how much you achieve, how polished your work is, or how hard you try, there will always be another level to reach, another flaw to fix, another thing you could have done better.
So, what if we stepped off that relentless treadmill? What if, instead of chasing perfection, we learned to embrace being human? Wow imagine that!
Imagine what life might feel like if you didn’t constantly second-guess yourself. If you could send an email without rewriting it five times. If you could submit a project knowing it was great, even if it wasn’t perfect. If you could let go of that internal pressure to always be more, do more, achieve more.
Think about how much mental space you’d free up. Perfectionism is exhausting because it keeps your mind working overtime, scanning for potential errors, rehearsing conversations, and replaying past ‘mistakes.’ What would you do with all that extra time and energy if you weren’t constantly striving to be flawless? Maybe you’d finally pick up that hobby you’ve been too scared to start because you ‘might not be good at it.’ Maybe you’d allow yourself to enjoy a creative project without over-editing every detail. Maybe you’d feel more present in your relationships, less caught up in worry, and more at ease with being yourself.
Letting go of perfectionism doesn’t mean you stop caring. It doesn’t mean you give up or settle for mediocrity. It simply means recognising that you are already enough, just as you are. Your worth is not measured by your productivity, your achievements, or your ability to avoid mistakes even if the social world might try to make us think that. You deserve self-acceptance, even on your imperfect days.
Perfectionism is not an inherent part of who you are—it’s a response to experiences, expectations, and beliefs that shaped you. But just because perfectionism has been part of your past doesn’t mean it has to define your future.
The next time you feel that perfectionist pressure creeping in, pause and ask yourself:
What would happen if I allowed myself to be human?
What if ‘good enough’ is actually enough?
What if my value isn’t measured by perfection, but by my willingness to learn, grow, and be authentic?
Therapy can help break the cycle of perfectionism by identifying its root causes, challenging unrealistic beliefs, and developing healthier ways to approach success and self-worth.
Through techniques like cognitive restructuring, self-compassion practices, and learning to tolerate imperfection, therapy provides a safe space to shift from needing to be perfect to embracing progress and authenticity. So if you think that you might be a perfectionist and its impacting your life; reach out.
For now, I'll leave you with this:
What’s one thing you can let yourself do imperfectly this week?
Maybe it’s sending that message without overthinking it. Maybe it’s letting someone else take care of a task without stepping in to ‘fix’ it. Maybe it’s resting without feeling guilty.
Whatever it is, I hope you remind yourself that perfection is not the goal—progress, authenticity, and self-compassion are. Because life isn’t meant to be lived like a carefully edited manuscript. It’s meant to be a little messy, a little unpredictable, and, most importantly, real.
As always until next time
Carla
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