Gaslighting: When Your Reality Isn’t Yours Anymore

Gaslighting has become another of those words that seems to be everywhere lately, plastered across social media, dropped into everyday conversations, and used in everything from relationship advice reels to TV plotlines. While it's encouraging to see psychological terms gaining mainstream attention, the downside is that they can easily become overused, misunderstood or misused.

At its core, gaslighting is a deeply harmful form of emotional and psychological manipulation. Somewhere along the way, the term has started being used to describe anything from telling a white lie to simply disagreeing with someone’s opinion. This confusion not only dilutes the seriousness of real gaslighting but also risks undermining the experiences of those who have truly been affected by it.

In this blog, I want to help clear the fog by exploring what gaslighting really is, what is isn’t, where the term comes from, and how it shows up in real life. We’ll unpack the psychological mechanisms behind it, how it can make someone doubt their own memories, perceptions, and sense of self, why it’s such a powerful tool in controlling relationships, and even why people do it.

We’ll also take a closer look at how the term is being overused and, at times, misapplied in everyday language, which can have unintended consequences. Plus, we’ll touch on the legal aspects of gaslighting in the context of coercive control, especially within intimate or domestic settings, where it's now increasingly being recognised in courts.

I’ll also explore why gaslighting has become such a trendy term, and why people are so quick to label difficult interactions as manipulative. Along the way, I’ll offer insight into the true psychological impact of gaslighting, especially when it occurs over time. Whether you’re trying to understand your own experiences, support someone else, or simply get clearer on the psychology behind the term, my hope is that this post offers both clarity and compassion.

So What is Gaslighting

Gaslighting is far more than just a difference of opinion. Gaslighting is a calculated and sustained form of emotional and psychological abuse where one person deliberately manipulates another into doubting their own thoughts, feelings, memories, or perceptions. It is not about occasional disagreements or misunderstandings—instead, it's a repeated and intentional tactic aimed at gaining power and control over someone designed to erode a person’s sense of reality. The goal isn’t just to win an argument or avoid accountability; it’s to destabilise the other person’s sense of self and make them increasingly reliant on the manipulator for a sense of what’s “real.” Over time, this can lead to profound emotional confusion and loss of trust in one’s own mind.

The term is used to describe situations where the manipulator systematically denies facts, downplays the other person’s experiences, twists events, or outright lies, often in ways that are subtle and difficult to call out. Over time, this creates confusion, self-doubt, and emotional instability in the person being gaslit. They may start to feel like they’re “going mad,” become overly apologetic, or lose confidence in making decisions, all of which can make them increasingly dependent.

The term itself comes from the 1944 film Gaslight, in which a husband manipulates his wife’s environment, subtly dimming the gas lights and then denying that the change occurred to make her believe she is losing her grip on reality. It’s a chilling metaphor, but unfortunately, this tactic is all too real in everyday life. In real-world situations, gaslighting often involves a pattern of denying or distorting facts, minimising or dismissing the victim’s experiences, shifting blame, and even inventing false scenarios. These behaviours may be subtle at first but can become a pervasive part of a relationship dynamic, leaving the victim confused, anxious, and emotionally dependent on the gaslighter’s version of the truth.

The Subtle Beginnings of Gaslighting

One of the most deceptive aspects of gaslighting is how quietly it begins. It rarely starts with outright abuse, instead, it often appears in the form of seemingly 'harmless' comments, gentle 'corrections', or 'playful' sarcasm. The person may say things like “That’s not how it happened,” or “You’re overthinking again,” in a way that feels more like teasing than manipulation. At first, it’s easy to overlook these moments. Many people, especially those who are confident, independent, and used to trusting their instincts, may dismiss them, thinking, I’m probably just being sensitive or They’re just in a bad mood. But over time, these subtle undermining messages can chip away at a person’s inner stability, leaving them increasingly uncertain of their own thoughts and feelings, or at the very least learning to stay silent.

Even when they have a clear recollection, or even evidence, like texts or emails, that confirms what was said, the gaslighter continues to deny, deflect, or minimise, often attacking the person for trying to prove their point. This creates an exhausting and confusing experience where reality becomes slippery.

Many clients describe situations where their partner or loved one makes remarks that seem small on the surface but leave a lasting impact. For example, they might say something like, “You’re really going to wear that?” followed by a quick laugh. It’s framed as humour, but it lands as criticism. Or, when you express how something made you feel, the response might be, “You’re overreacting—again,” or “You’re too sensitive, just let it go.” These statements don’t seem dramatic or explosive, but they chip away at your sense of emotional validity. And when challenged suddenly you are the 'crazy one'.

You might also hear things that subtly question your competence such as “You always forget things—I’ll just do it.” Or “Are you sure you can handle that? You get overwhelmed so easily.” These aren’t overt insults, but they plant seeds of doubt suggesting that you’re unreliable or incapable. In time, you may start to believe it! And then stop doing things which you are then in turn criticised for not doing. You can't win.

Other common patterns are comparison or backhanded comments. A partner might say, “Why can’t you be more like your sister? She’s so calm about everything,” or “Other people I’ve dated didn’t make things this hard.” These kinds of comparisons are rarely about growth, they’re designed to make you feel inadequate as are backhanded compliments: “You actually look nice today.” Or “I didn’t expect you to do that so well—good for you!”. At face value, these may sound positive, but they’re often laced with surprise or sarcasm, implying that competence or attractiveness is the exception, not the norm.

Sometimes, subtle digs show up as emotional guilt-tripping. When you try to express something that’s hurt you, the conversation might quickly turn into, “So I’m the bad guy again?” or “I guess everything’s always my fault, isn’t it?” This shifts the focus away from your concern and onto their hurt feelings, making you feel like the one in the wrong, just for speaking up.

Why It Matters

What makes subtle digs so damaging is their quietness. They’re not loud or obviously abusive, so they’re easy to overlook, or even internalise. But over time, they create a dynamic where you begin to question your worth, second-guess your instincts, and keep more and more of your truth to yourself. When left unchecked, these small cuts can lay the groundwork for more overt gaslighting, making it harder to recognise or challenge when it escalates. It's important to notice that as human beings we are literally trained as children by the things we hear, so to hear these things as adults over a period of time it can have the same impact. We believe what we are told!

If you're starting to notice patterns like this in your relationships, where you're often left feeling unsure, hurt, or like you're "too much", it's worth paying attention. Your feelings are valid, even if someone else repeatedly suggests otherwise.

Why We Put Up With Gaslighting

Well if it's so damaging and makes us feel so bad, why do we put up with it. Well what makes gaslighting particularly dangerous is that it rarely comes on its own. It’s often mixed in with other confusing behaviours like 'love bombing', a tactic where the person overwhelms you with affection, attention, and praise, especially in the early stages of a relationship. You might be told you're the most amazing person they've ever met, showered with gifts, or made to feel deeply special and chosen. This creates a strong emotional bond and makes it harder to recognise manipulation when it begins. This can happen in friendships as well as intimate relationships.

When gaslighting does show up, it’s often sandwiched between these loving gestures, which creates a push-pull dynamic that keeps you emotionally off balance. You may start to question yourself even more: If they’re capable of being so loving or friendly, maybe I really am overreacting. Maybe the problem really is me. And often true gaslighters choose people they know struggle with self-esteem so already feel they are somehow in the wrong.

This cycle of idealisation and devaluation is what keeps gaslighting so effective, and so hard to identify. The person doing the gaslighting may not be cruel all the time; in fact, they might be warm, supportive, and deeply affectionate in between their moments of manipulation. This inconsistency creates confusion and makes it incredibly difficult to name what’s happening. People being gaslit often feel stuck between two realities: the version where they’re adored, and the version where their reality is constantly dismissed. Over time, this emotional instability erodes self-trust, leaving even the most grounded and self-assured individuals feeling lost, anxious, and unsure of what’s real.

The Role of Others In Gaslighting

Gaslighters often involve others, intentionally or unintentionally, as part of their manipulative strategies, a process sometimes referred to as “splitting”, “triangulation”, or “flying monkeys” (a term borrowed from The Wizard of Oz to describe people manipulated into doing the gaslighter’s bidding). This can make the gaslighting even more powerful and confusing for the victim.

1. Triangulation

Gaslighters may bring in a third person (a friend, colleague, or family member) to validate their version of events, often without the third party being fully aware of the manipulation. For example, they might say, “Even Sarah thinks you overreacted,” creating the illusion of consensus and increasing the victim’s self-doubt.

2. Smear Campaigns

They might speak negatively about the victim to others behind their back, painting them as unstable, irrational, or overly sensitive. This can isolate the victim from their support system and make it harder for them to feel believed or supported when they try to speak out.

3. Recruiting “Flying Monkeys”

Some gaslighters actively recruit allies—friends, family members, or colleagues, who support the gaslighter’s narrative. These people may confront the victim, pressure them to apologise, or dismiss their concerns, believing they’re helping resolve a conflict rather than enabling abuse.

4. Selective Disclosure

Gaslighters often control the story, sharing selective or distorted information to others in a way that makes them appear reasonable or even victimised themselves. This puts the actual victim on the defensive and can erode their credibility.

5. Public vs Private Persona

Many gaslighters maintain a charming, composed image in public while engaging in manipulative behaviours in private. When others only see the public side, they may find it hard to believe the victim’s account, making the victim question their own experiences even more.

6. Feigned Concern or False Mediation

Sometimes, the gaslighter may pretend to seek support or “help” for the victim, telling others they're worried about their mental health. This can be a powerful tool to discredit the victim’s perspective while appearing compassionate.

Involving others is an effective way for gaslighters to amplify doubt, isolate the victim, and maintain control, all while preserving their public image. Understanding this dynamic is key to recognising just how layered and harmful gaslighting can be.

So Why Do People Gaslight? Understanding the Psychology Behind It

Gaslighting is often seen as a deliberate and cruel form of emotional manipulation, and in some cases, it absolutely is. But not all gaslighters set out to be abusive. Some are acting from fear, shame, or patterns they learned long ago. That doesn’t excuse the behaviour but understanding why people gaslight can help us recognise it earlier, respond more clearly, and avoid internalising the blame. It can also help salvage relationships and can help someone who gaslights seek help.

Let’s explore some of the common psychological drivers behind gaslighting behaviour:

1. To Avoid Accountability

One of the most common reasons people gaslight is to avoid responsibility for their actions. Instead of owning up to something they said or did, they twist the narrative to make the other person seem irrational, oversensitive, or confused. This might sound like:

“I never said that.”
“You’re making that up.”
“You always get things wrong.”

By shifting the focus onto you, they can avoid the discomfort of being called out or facing the consequences of their behaviour.

2. Out of Shame or Fear of Being “Bad”

Some gaslighters aren’t trying to hurt others, they’re desperately trying to protect their own fragile sense of self. If someone grew up in an environment where mistakes were punished or admitting fault was dangerous, they may have learned to defend at all costs. For them, admitting they were wrong feels like a threat to their identity, so they distort the truth or deny it entirely to avoid shame.

Sometimes gaslighting comes from emotional immaturity—a person simply doesn’t have the self-awareness, empathy, or emotional regulation skills to hold space for another person’s experience. Instead of pausing and listening, they go on the defensive, deny what happened, or shut the other person down. While not necessarily malicious, the impact can still be deeply damaging.

3. As a Learned Pattern

Gaslighting is often a learned behaviour. If someone grew up in a family where denial, minimising, or rewriting history were normal ways to handle conflict, they may repeat those same patterns as adults, sometimes without even realising it. They may not have the tools to sit with emotional discomfort or have never learned how to engage in open, reflective communication.

4. To Control or Dominate

In more intentional or severe cases, gaslighting is used as a strategy of power and control. It may appear in relationships where one person needs to feel superior, in charge, or untouchable. By undermining the other person’s confidence, perception, or credibility, the gaslighter gains control of the narrative—and often, the relationship itself. This can be particularly dangerous in abusive dynamics where the victim becomes dependent on the gaslighter’s version of reality.

Some people gaslight because it benefits them to shape the story. If they can convince others that their version of events is the “truth,” they maintain control over how they’re seen. This might be about protecting their reputation, avoiding rejection, or creating confusion to deflect attention from something they don’t want to face.

It’s Never Justified—But It Is Often Complex

Gaslighting causes real psychological harm. Whether it's intentional or not, it leaves the person on the receiving end feeling confused, disoriented, and increasingly disconnected from their own reality. But not all gaslighters are evil masterminds. Some are deeply insecure, emotionally underdeveloped, or stuck in old protective patterns that no longer serve them, or anyone else.

Understanding the reasons behind gaslighting can help us navigate it with more clarity: setting boundaries, naming what’s happening, and seeking support. And if you recognise these patterns in yourself or someone you love, it’s also a sign that healing and growth are possible with awareness, honesty, and support.

Understanding What Gaslighting Isn’t—and Why It Can Still Feel Like It

Gaslighting is a serious and intentional form of psychological manipulation, yet many of the interactions we label as gaslighting are actually rooted in misunderstandings, communication gaps, and long-held emotional wounds. This is especially true when it comes to the experiences of children, and even adult children, who might feel gaslit without the parent necessarily engaging in deliberate abuse.

Many young people grow up in environments where their emotions are routinely dismissed or minimised. Phrases like “Stop crying, it’s not a big deal” or “You’re being dramatic” can leave children highly attuned to feeling unheard. Later in life, when a parent states, “That’s not how I remember it,” the comment can echo past invalidation. In these instances, the child may interpret the remark as gaslighting, even if the intent was simply to express a different recollection.

The inherent power imbalance in parent-child relationships further compounds this issue. When a parent sets boundaries or challenges a child’s version of events, the child may feel powerless, hurt, and confused. Ordinary statements such as “You need to calm down” can trigger strong feelings of manipulation, particularly if the child has no outlet for open dialogue or if previous attempts at communication have left them feeling dismissed.

Cultural influences and the ubiquity of mental health terminology on social media also play a significant role. With platforms like TikTok popularising terms like “gaslighting,” young people may begin to label any emotionally charged or invalidating interaction as gaslighting, even in cases where it isn’t intended as such. This trend reflects a broader shift in how we interpret interpersonal dynamics, where the nuance of communication is often lost and the culture of blame is king.

Moreover, what some label as gaslighting may simply be the result of intergenerational miscommunication. A parent’s difficulty in expressing vulnerability or offering an apology can leave a child feeling stonewalled. Over time, these repeated instances of poor communication may accumulate, causing both the child and, later, the adult child to interpret these interactions as deliberate manipulation.

It is important to hold both truths: genuine gaslighting is a calculated effort to undermine one’s reality, while feelings of hurt or invalidation, stemming from poor communication or long-established patterns of emotional neglect, are significant and deserve attention but are not necessarily gaslighting. Understanding these distinctions is key.

It is important to know what gaslighting ISN'T:

A Difference of Opinion: Two people can perceive the same situation differently without either party attempting to distort the other’s reality.
Healthy Boundaries: Receiving a “no” or having a boundary set is part of healthy relationships, not a manipulative tactic.
Honest Feedback: Constructive criticism, even if it feels uncomfortable, is not the same as intentional invalidation.
Human Fallibility: Occasional lapses in memory are simply human and do not indicate a deliberate attempt to undermine someone’s recollection.
Emotional Wounds: Long-held feelings of hurt or dismissal may resurface in conflicts, but these are often reflective of past experiences rather than a deliberate pattern of gaslighting.

Recognising the difference between genuine abuse and instances of miscommunication is crucial. Overusing the term "gaslighting" can dilute its meaning and make it harder to address situations where there is actual, sustained manipulation. By understanding and acknowledging the complexities of interpersonal communication, especially across generations, we can foster healthier dialogue and support those who feel invalidated without mislabelling every hurtful interaction as gaslighting.

Why Misusing the Term "Gaslighting" Can Be Harmful

As the term has entered everyday conversation, its meaning has broadened, often to the detriment of those affected by genuine abuse. Discussions about mental health have heightened public sensitivity to emotional abuse, which is a positive development. Yet, this increased awareness can sometimes lead to the term being applied without the necessary context. Social media platforms such as Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook facilitate the rapid sharing of personal narratives, which in turn can cause simplified or superficial uses of "gaslighting" to spread quickly—often at the expense of accuracy.

High-profile discussions and celebrity narratives have further propelled the term into the mainstream. While these contributions have raised awareness, they frequently lack the nuance required to capture the complexity of true gaslighting. In today’s discourse, especially on social media, "gaslighting" is often used to describe everyday disagreements or minor misunderstandings. This casual application carries several risks:

Trivialisation and Misunderstanding: Using "gaslighting" to describe everyday conflicts diminishes the gravity of sustained psychological manipulation and blurs the line between deliberate abuse and normal miscommunication.
Overgeneralisation of Power Imbalances: The term is often invoked as a catch-all for systemic issues in relationships, workplaces, and politics, even in instances where intentional manipulation is not present.
Erosion of Professional Trust: Mental health professionals depend on precise terminology. When "gaslighting" is used loosely, it can foster scepticism about the legitimacy of genuine mental health concerns.
Stigmatisation and Marginalisation: Victims of authentic gaslighting may feel dismissed or trivialised if their experiences are conflated with everyday disagreements, hindering their path to recovery.
Polarisation and Desensitisation: Accusations of gaslighting in heated discussions can shut down constructive dialogue, polarise opinions, and desensitise audiences to the severity of real psychological abuse.
Mislabeling Innocent Individuals: Overusing the term "gaslighting" can wrongly categorise individuals with differing opinions or minor miscommunications as deliberate manipulators. This mislabelling damages reputations, distorts interpersonal dynamics, and makes it harder to distinguish genuine abuse from everyday disagreements.

Ultimately, while the increased visibility of gaslighting has fostered important conversations about mental health and abuse, preserving its original meaning is crucial. Failing to do so not only undermines the experiences of those suffering real psychological abuse but also weakens our collective understanding of this harmful behaviour.

The Real Psychological Impact of Gaslighting

So what's the real impact of gaslighting? Why all the fuss? When someone is genuinely subjected to gaslighting, the psychological toll can be severe. The gradual erosion of self-trust and reality can lead to multiple long-term consequences:

Erosion of Self-Esteem: Repeatedly being told that one’s perceptions are wrong can cause deep self-doubt and lead to the internalisation of negative beliefs. Over time, this erodes the victim's sense of self-worth, making it increasingly difficult for them to trust their own judgement.
Chronic Anxiety and Depression: The relentless uncertainty and persistent self-doubt fuelled by gaslighting often trigger chronic anxiety. As this emotional turmoil builds, it can lead to depression—manifesting as persistent sadness, a loss of interest in activities once enjoyed, and an overwhelming sense of hopelessness.
Social Isolation: As confidence diminishes, victims may withdraw from friends, family, and social networks. This isolation, often an attempt to avoid further invalidation or misunderstanding, can exacerbate feelings of loneliness and further entrench the cycle of abuse.
Identity Confusion: One of the most insidious effects of gaslighting is the gradual loss of a clear sense of self. Constant manipulation makes it increasingly challenging for individuals to distinguish their own feelings, opinions, and memories from the distorted reality imposed by the abuser, leading to profound identity confusion.
Increased Vulnerability to Further Abuse: The cumulative impact of gaslighting—eroded self-esteem, chronic mental health struggles, isolation, and identity confusion—leaves victims particularly vulnerable. This vulnerability can be exploited by abusers, potentially escalating the situation into more severe forms of emotional, physical, or sexual abuse.

Being a victim of psychological abuse and gaslighting often feels like being trapped in a relentless fog of self-doubt and confusion. Victims frequently report a profound erosion of trust in their own perceptions, where every memory or feeling becomes suspect. Over time, this can lead to a deep sense of isolation, as the very act of seeking validation is met with further manipulation and denial.

The emotional toll is immense, feelings of anxiety, sadness, and hopelessness can become constant companions, making it difficult to discern reality from the distorted narrative imposed by the abuser. Ultimately, this experience not only undermines one's self-worth but also makes the journey to recovery a challenging, yet essential, path toward reclaiming one's truth and autonomy.

Legal Contexts and Coercive Control

While gaslighting in itself is not a criminal offence, the behaviours associated with it often intersect with legally recognised patterns of abuse. In many jurisdictions, including parts of the UK, there are laws addressing coercive control—a pattern of behaviour that seeks to dominate and isolate the victim. Gaslighting is frequently a component of such coercive tactics.

Legal Implications:

Coercive Control: Under UK law, coercive control is recognised as a form of domestic abuse. When gaslighting is part of a wider pattern of behaviour that restricts a victim’s autonomy or instils fear, it can contribute to a case for legal intervention.
Abusive Relationships: In cases where gaslighting is used systematically to erode a person’s sense of self, this can lead to broader legal actions against the abuser. Evidence of repeated denial of reality and emotional manipulation might be crucial in court cases concerning domestic abuse.

Strategies for Recognising and Addressing Gaslighting

Given the serious impact of gaslighting, recognising and addressing it is crucial. It's important to recognise what it is and is not and when to accept that it might be happening to you, or someone you know. Here are some strategies for both individuals and professionals:

Keep a Record: If you suspect you are being gaslit, document incidents with dates, times, and descriptions of what occurred. This record can help affirm your reality and serve as evidence if you decide to seek help. Ask yourself the true intention behind the conversations.
Seek External Perspectives: Talk to trusted friends, family members, or mental health professionals who can offer an objective view of your experiences. An external perspective can help validate your perceptions.
Set Boundaries: Clearly communicate your boundaries and assert your right to your own perceptions. Consistent reinforcement of these boundaries can be a powerful tool in resisting manipulation. Here are some assertive one-liners you can use to maintain your boundaries when someone is attempting to gaslight you:
- "I trust my own experience and feelings."
- "My reality is valid, even if it differs from yours."
- "I remember it differently, and my perspective matters."
- "I deserve to have my feelings and memories respected."
- "Let's focus on the facts rather than rewriting my past."
- "I know what I felt, and that is enough for me."
- "Your version doesn’t change my truth."
These responses can help you assert your boundaries and reinforce the validity of your own experience in the face of manipulation.
Professional Support: Engaging with a therapist or counsellor who specialises in abuse or trauma can provide vital support in rebuilding self-esteem and developing strategies to cope with the emotional fallout.
Educate Yourself: Understanding the mechanisms of gaslighting can empower you to recognise the signs early. This knowledge not only aids in self-protection but can also inform discussions with others who might be unaware of the subtle signs of manipulation.

The Role of Psychologists in Addressing Gaslighting

Working with a psychologist can be a vital component of recovery. A trained mental health professional can help victims:

Rebuild Self-Esteem and Identity: Therapy offers a safe space to rediscover and affirm one’s sense of self, countering the identity confusion often caused by gaslighting.
Manage Anxiety and Depression: Psychologists provide tools and strategies to cope with the chronic anxiety, persistent sadness, and hopelessness that often result from prolonged abuse.
Establish Healthy Boundaries: Therapy can assist individuals in recognising manipulative patterns and setting boundaries to protect themselves in future relationships.
Validate Experiences: Professional guidance helps victims understand that their feelings and perceptions are valid, reducing feelings of isolation and self-doubt.

Although it can be challenging, individuals who engage in gaslighting behaviours can also benefit from psychological intervention to break the cycle of their behaviours, because surely the best thing would be if this doesn't happen in the first place:

Understanding Underlying Issues: A psychologist can help uncover the root causes of manipulative behaviour, such as unresolved trauma or deep-seated insecurities.
Developing Empathy and Communication Skills: Therapy can aid in learning healthier ways to interact with others, fostering better communication and reducing the reliance on harmful tactics.
Breaking the Cycle: Professional help can support individuals in recognising their patterns, taking responsibility for their actions, and learning more constructive methods of conflict resolution.

Final Thoughts: The Importance of Nuance

Gaslighting, in its true sense, is a serious form of psychological abuse with far-reaching implications for an individual’s mental health but not every miscommunication or disagreement constitutes gaslighting, and recognising the difference is crucial to addressing real abuse effectively

By maintaining clarity about what gaslighting entails and resisting the temptation to use it as a catch-all term, we can better support those truly affected by psychological manipulation. I urge you to consider this the next time its on the tip of your tongue and ask yourself am I just uncomfortable or feeling 'triggered'. Whether you are a victim seeking validation, a friend offering support, or a professional providing care, understanding the true nature of gaslighting is an essential step towards fostering healthier, more respectful relationships.

If you suspect that you or someone you know is experiencing gaslighting, consider reaching out to trusted mental health professionals or support networks. With the right help, it is possible to reclaim your sense of reality and move towards a life free from manipulation and undue control.

Gaslighting remains a potent reminder of the power dynamics in personal relationships and beyond. By staying informed and fostering open, honest communication, we can all contribute to a more compassionate and understanding environment—one where every individual’s experience is validated and respected.

As always until next time

Carla