Trauma: When the Past Won’t Stay in the Past

We tend to think of trauma as rare and extreme experiences such as a car crash, a violent attack, or a natural disaster. And yes, these are undeniably traumatic events. But the reality is far broader, and far more common than many people realise because trauma often flies under the radar, especially the kind that accumulates slowly.

It’s not always the dramatic events. Sometimes, it’s a thousand tiny paper cuts over time, it might be repeated emotional invalidation, growing up around chaos, being ignored when you needed comfort, or simply going through a painful experience alone, without the support you needed.

Trauma is the emotional, psychological, and physiological impact of experiencing something that overwhelms your ability to cope. And that “something” doesn’t have to be life-threatening, just threatening to you as a human being.

Trauma isn’t just about what happened to you.  It’s about what happened inside you as a result. 

As a clinical psychologist, I see the ripple effects of trauma every day. Sometimes it shows up in obvious ways such as flashbacks, nightmares, and panic attacks. But often it wears subtler disguises: chronic muscle tension, digestive issues, emotional shutdown, anxiety that seems to come from nowhere, or patterns of self-sabotage that don’t make logical sense. Clients often say things like:

• “I thought I was over it.”

• “I don’t know why I reacted that way.”

• “Nothing even happened, but I feel like I’m back there.”

• “It’s like my body remembers what my brain has forgotten.”

And that’s the thing about trauma; it doesn’t stay in the past just because time has passed.  It gets stored in the body, the brain, and the nervous system. Sometimes it lies dormant, sometimes it simmers under the surface, and sometimes it leaps out unexpectedly, as if the past is happening all over again in the present. That’s because trauma isn’t just a memory, it’s a survival strategy that never got switched off.

In this blog, we’re going to unpack what trauma really is, how it changes the way we think, feel, and behave, and why it can feel like it keeps looping back, sometimes years after the original event. We’ll explore what’s happening biologically, what it does to the brain and body, how it affects memory, relationships, and self-perception, and most importantly, what it really takes to begin healing.

Because trauma is common. It’s misunderstood. And it’s treatable!!.

What Is Trauma? And How Can It Show Up

Trauma isn’t a single event. It’s a wound. In fact, the word “trauma” comes from the Greek word for injury. But unlike a visible cut or broken bone, trauma is an invisible injury to the mind, body, and nervous system.

At its core, trauma happens when an experience overwhelms your system’s ability to process it. In that moment, your sense of safety, emotional, physical, relational, is shattered. When we go through overwhelming events, the brain is designed to process and file them away like a story with a beginning, middle, and end. But in trauma, that process is interrupted. The experience doesn’t get fully processed or integrated, often because the event was too intense, too fast, or too frightening to make sense of in the moment. Instead of becoming part of the past, the event stays stuck in the nervous system, raw, unresolved, and fragmented. Frozen in time as a threat to your very being. It leaves you feeling unsafe, powerless, and often alone.

Instead of being stored in the brain’s autobiographical timeline, traumas get stored in sensory fragments, images, smells, body sensations, or emotions or it gets stored in beliefs we have about ourselves. This is why a certain sound, tone of voice, or facial expression can suddenly trigger an overwhelming emotional response, even if you consciously “know” you're safe.

This is called implicit memory, a body-based memory system that holds trauma outside of conscious awareness.  These stored trauma responses can resurface in various ways:

Flashbacks

• Vivid, intrusive re-experiencing of the trauma

• Can be visual, sensory, emotional, or bodily (e.g., feeling trapped, sick, panicked without a clear reason)

• May occur without warning

Dissociation

• A protective mechanism where the brain disconnects from present reality

• May involve feeling numb, unreal, watching yourself from outside your body, or “zoning out”

• Helps reduce the intensity of emotional pain—but disconnects you from your own experience

Body Memories

• Sensations such as pain, tightness, nausea, or breathlessness that have no medical explanation

• Triggered by sensory reminders of the trauma (e.g., tone of voice, smells, temperature)

Cognitively:

• Negative beliefs about the self: “I’m broken,” “I’m not safe,” “It was my fault”

• Hypervigilance: always scanning for danger

• Difficulty concentrating or making decisions

• Intrusive thoughts or ruminations

Emotionally:

• Intense fear, shame, guilt, or rage

• Emotional numbing or detachment

• Sudden emotional flooding

• Difficulty trusting or feeling safe in relationships

Behaviourally:

• Avoidance of reminders or emotions

• Self-harm, substance use, compulsive behaviours

• Re-enacting trauma patterns (e.g., entering abusive relationships)

• Overworking or over-controlling to avoid vulnerability

Often, these behaviours aren’t random, they’re attempts to stay safe, based on what the brain learned during earlier traumatic experiences.

While not clinical terms, clinicians often refer to trauma as Big T or Little t - this framework is often helpful in validating experiences people tend to minimise.

• Big T Trauma refers to the overtly threatening, life-altering events—things like natural disasters, assault, or serious injury.

• Little t trauma includes seemingly minor but emotionally painful experiences that accumulate over time—such as repeated rejection, parental criticism, microaggressions, or ongoing emotional invalidation.

You don’t have to survive a catastrophe to experience trauma. Sometimes it’s a series of “small” things that your nervous system simply didn’t have the resources to process. The brain and body don’t measure trauma in headlines, they measure it in threat, isolation, and overwhelm.

The Many Faces of Trauma: More Than Meets the Eye

Trauma is defined by how overwhelmed and unsafe the experience made you feel, and whether your body and mind had the chance to process it fully. Crucially, trauma is not defined by the event itself, but by your nervous system’s reaction to that event. This is why two people can experience the same situation, say, a breakup or an accident, and one may recover easily while the other becomes stuck in a state of ongoing distress. This means our reactions don't make us strong or weak, they make us human and individual.

There are different types of trauma, many of which are often not recognised as traumatic because in the past we have spoken about it in terms of big events only.  Here’s a more comprehensive look at the different types of trauma. Each leaves its own unique imprint on the nervous system, emotional landscape, and sense of self.

1. Acute Trauma – Big T events

This refers to a single, overwhelming event that threatens your safety or sense of control. It can include:

• Car accidents

• Physical or sexual assault

• A sudden loss

• Medical emergencies

• Natural disasters

• War

Symptoms may appear immediately or emerge later, often in the form of panic, nightmares, hypervigilance, or intrusive memories. Sometimes people dismiss acute trauma if it “wasn’t that bad” or they “got through it,” but the nervous system may still have stored the experience in survival mode.

Example: Dan was in a car accident last year. He walked away physically unharmed, but now he avoids driving, has panic attacks at traffic lights, and flinches at loud noises. He says, “I know I’m safe, but my body doesn't believe it.”

2. Chronic Trauma - Little t events

Chronic trauma comes from repeated or prolonged exposure to threatening or distressing experiences. This type of trauma wears you down slowly, shaping your worldview and emotional defences over time. It may stem from:

• Domestic abuse

• Living in unsafe neighbourhoods or war zones

• Childhood with emotionally volatile caregivers

• Long-term illness or medical procedures

• Persistent bullying or harassment

Unlike acute trauma, chronic trauma often doesn’t have a clear beginning or end. It can erode your sense of self, your ability to trust others, and your belief that the world is a safe place.

Example: Ella grew up in a home where shouting, slamming doors, and silent treatment were part of daily life. It wasn’t “abuse” in the traditional sense, but she constantly felt on edge. Now, as an adult, even small disagreements make her heart race. She avoids conflict at all costs, even if it means silencing herself.

3. Complex Trauma - Big T & Little t events

Complex trauma usually refers to ongoing, relational trauma, especially in childhood. It often involves multiple layers of harm, and it typically occurs in environments where the person should have been protected.

Examples include:

• Emotional or physical neglect

• Caregiver inconsistency, manipulation, or rejection

• Abuse (physical, emotional, sexual)

• Growing up with a parent who had untreated mental illness or addiction

Because it happens during key developmental periods, complex trauma affects:

• Attachment: Difficulty trusting others or forming secure bonds

• Identity: Confusion around who you are or feelings of shame and worthlessness

• Emotional regulation: Difficulty naming, expressing, or soothing emotions

• Boundaries: A tendency to over-accommodate or shut down

People with complex trauma often feel like something is “wrong” with them, not realising they’ve been shaped by years of invisible injury.

Example: Liam’s parents were inconsistent, warm one day, cold the next. He was praised for being “tough” and punished for crying. As an adult, he struggles to feel secure in relationships, second-guesses himself constantly, and feels either too much or completely numb. “I don’t even know who I am,” he says.

4. Developmental Trauma - Little t events

Developmental trauma is closely related to complex trauma but highlights the absence of safety, attunement, and emotional support in early life. It’s not always about what was done to you—but what you didn’t receive.

This might include:

• Never feeling comforted when you were distressed

• Being shamed for having needs or emotions

• Not being seen, heard, or protected

• Living in a home that felt emotionally unsafe or unpredictable

The effects of developmental trauma are often subtle and deeply internalised. It alters a child’s nervous system development, sense of identity, and internal working model of relationships. As adults, this may show up as difficulty trusting, an inner sense of “not being enough,” or being chronically anxious in safe situations.

Examples: Jasmin was never hit or shouted at. But she was also never hugged, comforted, or asked how she felt. She learned to parent herself. Now in her 30s, she prides herself on being “fiercely independent,” but feels deeply lonely. Whenever someone tries to get close, she pulls away without knowing why.

OR Fiona’s teachers always called her “too sensitive.” Her parents didn’t support her emotionally, even when she was struggling. Now, she minimises her needs, struggles to ask for help, and often feels she’s “too much” for others.

5. Secondary or Vicarious Trauma - Big T & Little t events

You don’t have to experience trauma first-hand to be affected by it. Secondary trauma occurs when you’re exposed to other people’s suffering or stories of trauma, often repeatedly. This is common in:

• Therapists, social workers, and mental health professionals

• Emergency responders and healthcare workers

• Teachers or carers in high-needs environments

• Partners or children of someone with PTSD or complex trauma

Vicarious trauma can lead to emotional numbing, burnout, intrusive thoughts, compassion fatigue, or feelings of hopelessness. It’s a very real occupational hazard for those in caregiving roles and deserves just as much care and support.

Example: Amira is a social worker who hears traumatic stories from clients every day. Lately, she’s been feeling numb, irritable, and disconnected from her family. She dreams about her clients and finds herself crying for no reason. She says, “I don’t know why I’m falling apart, nothing’s happened to me.”

Trauma related Disorders

Trauma disorders are mental health conditions that develop in response to overwhelming or life-threatening experiences that the brain and body were unable to fully process. Rather than fading with time, these experiences continue to affect how a person thinks, feels, and reacts—often leaving them stuck in patterns of fear, avoidance, or emotional distress long after the event has passed.

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is a mental health condition that can develop after experiencing or witnessing a traumatic event—something that felt life-threatening or overwhelmingly frightening. This might include events such as a serious accident, physical assault, war, sexual violence, or a natural disaster. PTSD is characterised by symptoms such as flashbacks, nightmares, intense anxiety, avoidance of reminders, and a persistent sense of being unsafe—even long after the event is over. These symptoms occur because the brain and body were unable to fully process the trauma, leaving the person stuck in a state of ongoing threat or fear. In PTSD, the nervous system continues to react as if the trauma is still happening, often without the person being able to consciously control or predict these responses.

Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD), on the other hand, arises from prolonged or repeated trauma, especially in situations where the person felt powerless, trapped, or betrayed—often in relationships that should have been safe. This includes experiences such as childhood emotional neglect, long-term domestic abuse, coercive control, or repeated exposure to violence. While C-PTSD includes all the symptoms of PTSD, it also adds significant difficulties with emotional regulation, a deeply negative self-image (such as shame, guilt, or feelings of worthlessness), and challenges in forming or maintaining relationships. In many cases, C-PTSD results from trauma that occurred during formative years, where the ongoing nature of the threat disrupted the development of identity, safety, and trust.

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is often deeply linked to trauma—particularly early relational trauma, such as emotional neglect, abandonment, abuse, or growing up in an environment where emotions were dismissed, invalidated, or met with unpredictability. While not everyone with BPD has a history of trauma, many do. In fact, it’s increasingly recognised that what we call “borderline” symptoms often reflect complex trauma responses, especially when those experiences occurred in childhood and often to the invalidation.

People with BPD may have learned—often unconsciously—that the world is not safe, relationships can’t be trusted, and emotions are overwhelming or dangerous. As a result, their nervous system may remain in a near-constant state of emotional threat. This can lead to intense mood swings, fear of abandonment, identity confusion, self-harming behaviours, and turbulent relationships—not because the person is manipulative or unstable, but because they are living in a body and mind that were shaped by chronic emotional insecurity.

In many cases, BPD can be understood not as a fixed personality disorder, but as the long-term impact of developmental trauma—the kind that doesn’t always leave physical scars, but leaves deep emotional wounds.

Dissociative Disorders Dissociation is a common trauma response, especially in cases of prolonged or early life trauma. When the body or mind feels overwhelmed, it may disconnect from reality to protect itself.

• Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID): Often linked to chronic childhood trauma, DID involves two or more distinct identity states, along with memory gaps and a disrupted sense of self.

• Dissociative Amnesia: Involves gaps in memory for important events, often related to trauma.

• Depersonalisation/Derealisation Disorder: Involves persistent feelings of being detached from oneself (depersonalisation) or the world feeling unreal (derealisation).

Neurobiological Processes in Trauma: What Happens in the Brain and Body

When a traumatic event occurs, the entire brain-body system goes into crisis mode. This isn’t just about adrenaline and panic, it involves multiple brain regions, neurochemical changes, and shifts in how the body processes memory, emotion, and even time. Let’s walk through the main neurobiological changes that occur:

1. Hyperactivation of the Amygdala (The Alarm System)

The amygdala is the brain’s threat detection centre.

• It scans the environment constantly, even in safe settings.

• It reacts before conscious thought, which is why you may feel panic or fear without knowing why.

• It amplifies emotional intensity—especially fear, anger, and shame.

In trauma, it becomes hypersensitive and hyperactive. This is why trauma survivors often feel "on edge," easily startled, or intensely reactive because once activated in trauma it kind of stays stuck on being hypervigilant and responding even earlier than required.

2. Deactivation of the Prefrontal Cortex (The Rational Brain)

The prefrontal cortex (PFC) is responsible for logic, reasoning, impulse control, and emotion regulation. In trauma:

• The PFC literally ‘goes offline’, because the amygdala wants you to react to the threat, not to think you way out of the situation, making it harder to think clearly, problem-solve, or calm down.

• This makes it difficult to access language, which is why people often struggle to describe what happened or "go blank" during triggers.

• In a flashback or panic response, the thinking brain is essentially overridden by the survival brain.

This is why it’s hard to “just calm down” or “think rationally” in a trauma response, those functions are not fully accessible in that moment.

3. Impaired Hippocampus Function (Memory and Time Distortion)

The hippocampus organises memories and helps us differentiate past from present. In trauma:

• It becomes disrupted, meaning traumatic memories are stored in fragmented, sensory-based ways (images, smells, sounds) instead of as coherent narratives.

• It also leads to time confusion, you may know something happened years ago, but your body feels like it’s happening now and that re-traumatises you.

• The result is intrusive thoughts, flashbacks, and body memories.

This is why trauma can feel timeless, it lives in the body in the present tense, even when the danger has passed.

4. Dysregulation of the HPA Axis (Stress Hormone System)

The hypothalamic–pituitary–adrenal (HPA) axis governs the release of cortisol, the body’s primary stress hormone.

• In trauma, the HPA axis becomes dysregulated, producing too much cortisol (hyperarousal) or, paradoxically, too little (hypoarousal).

• Chronic HPA dysfunction can lead to exhaustion, sleep issues, immune problems, weight changes, and inflammation.

• Trauma survivors may oscillate between hypervigilance and collapse, feeling burned out, detached, or numb.

This explains why trauma is not just a mental health issue, it has significant physical health consequences over time. I often work with people with chronic health conditions, who when we start therapy can identify unresolved trauma that they are holding in the body. When we heal the trauma we often start to see changes in their physical conditions too.

5. Activation of the Periaqueductal Grey (Freeze and Shutdown)

This midbrain structure is involved in primitive survival responses, particularly freeze, collapse, and dissociation.

• When escape or fight isn’t possible, the body may enter immobility, shutting down to avoid further pain.

• This can manifest as a sense of going numb, feeling paralysed, disconnected from reality, or even losing time.

This response is often misunderstood, but it’s a deeply adaptive protective mechanism.  I often work with people who have experienced abuse and say to me but ‘why didn’t I run, or scream, or fight back.  If your brain believes the best way of surviving is to do nothing, then your brain will enact shutdown.  I also see this from people struggling with violence or abuse from childhood, where if they had got angry, or cried, or shouted back then further abuse would have come.  They learn to shut their emotions out and not respond.

6. Disruption of the Default Mode Network (Sense of Self)

The Default Mode Network (DMN) is a system of brain regions active during rest and is strongly involved in generating thoughts, especially self-referential and spontaneous (or mind-wandering) thoughts. It’s involved in:

• Autobiographical memory

• Mental time travel (imagining the future or rehashing the past)

• Self-evaluation (e.g., “What do they think of me?”)

• Simulation and planning

• Constructing a sense of self or narrative identity

This is why it’s often called the brain’s “default” setting, it's what your brain defaults to when not engaged in goal-directed tasks. Trauma alters DMN functioning can lead to identity confusion, a disrupted sense of self, and feelings of inner fragmentation. Survivors may say things like, “I don’t know who I am anymore,” or “I feel like I’m watching life from the outside.” This is particularly common in complex and developmental trauma, where the trauma occurred during key stages of self-development and is part of the assessment criteria in certain conditions.

7. Polyvagal Theory: The Role of the Vagus Nerve

The vagus nerve helps regulate the parasympathetic nervous system, our “rest and digest” response. Trauma affects vagal tone, disrupting:

• Social engagement and connection

• Heart rate variability (a marker of nervous system flexibility)

• The ability to return to calm after stress

Low vagal tone is associated with emotional dysregulation, difficulty soothing, and chronic states of shutdown or anxiety.

8. Neurochemical Imbalances

Trauma doesn’t just affect brain structures—it also alters the chemical messengers that regulate emotion, energy, motivation, and alertness. These messengers, known as neurotransmitters, help different brain regions communicate. When trauma hits, this delicate chemical balance can become disrupted, leading to long-term emotional and behavioural symptoms. Trauma can deplete serotonin levels which may also explain why people with PTSD often experience intrusive thoughts and emotional dysregulation, as serotonin is involved in modulating the brain's response to distress.

Trauma can lead to either dopamine depletion (resulting in apathy, anhedonia, and low motivation) or dysregulation (leading to compulsive behaviours, addictions, or intense emotional reactivity) which is often seen in people who have experienced trauma. This imbalance can contribute to the feeling of being "stuck," emotionally flat, or desperately seeking control or stimulation.

Norepinephrine prepares the brain and body for action and alertness, it’s key in the fight-or-flight response. Trauma often leads to chronic elevation of norepinephrine, which can result in hypervigilance, sleep disturbances and nightmares, heightened startle response, anxiety and agitation. The body essentially stays in “high alert mode,” unable to downshift into calm or rest.

Trauma Isn’t “All in Your Head”—It’s in Your Brain, Body, and Biochemistry

So let's just take a moment. Did you even know what a complex process experiencing trauma is? All of this takes place automatically when we feel threatened in anyway, and all without us knowing. The brain really is set up just to keep you safe and processing traumatic events is a major threat and sometimes the brain can't cope.

When these neurotransmitters fall out of balance, the entire system is affected. It’s not a character flaw or a personality issue, it’s neurochemical disruption in response to overwhelming stress. Understanding these changes can help reduce shame and encourage more compassionate, biology-informed approaches to healing These neurological changes explain why trauma can feel so hard to “get over.” It’s not just about remembering a bad thing—it’s about living with a nervous system that was rewired to survive, even when you're safe now.

When you truly understand trauma, you can meet yourself with kindness instead of criticism. It is important to remember that trauma is not defined solely by what happened. It’s also shaped by:

• Who you were at the time (age, resources, coping tools)

• Whether you had support (connection is a key factor in resilience)

• How your body and brain made sense of it (some trauma gets stored without conscious memory)

You could experience the same event as someone else and be affected in a completely different way. Someone may have had the same vent as you and be really ok with it. That doesn’t make your experience less valid. Trauma is subjective but its effects are real, measurable, and treatable. You don’t need to compare your trauma to anyone else’s. You don’t need to justify your pain. If something overwhelmed you, physically, emotionally, or relationally, it deserves attention, compassion, and support.

When What Hurts Most Is What Came After: The Role of Support in Trauma

Trauma isn’t just about what happened during the event it’s also about what did or didn’t happen afterwards. You could go through something terrifying or overwhelming, and with the right support, your nervous system may eventually find its way back to balance. But without support, without someone to listen, believe, or comfort you, that same event can leave deep, lasting scars.

In fact, for many people, the trauma isn’t just what happened. It’s that no one was there.  Or worse, that someone was there and denied, dismissed, or minimised it. In therapy I often find this to be the most damaging thing - the invalidation. Clients often say things like:

• “It wasn’t even what they did—it was that no one helped me.”

• “I tried to tell someone, and they didn’t believe me.”

• “I was left to deal with it alone.”

• “Everyone acted like it was normal.”

And that’s the part that really stays with people, not just the pain, but the aloneness in the pain.

Our nervous systems are wired for co-regulation. We’re not meant to go through overwhelming experiences in isolation. In the best-case scenario, someone is there to say:

• “You’re not alone.”

• “I believe you.”

• “You’re safe now.”

When that doesn’t happen, when you’re met with silence, disbelief, or emotional abandonment, the nervous system can’t fully settle. The trauma doesn’t get integrated. Instead, it becomes frozen, because there was no one to help you feel safe enough to process it.

This is especially true for children, who literally need the presence of an attuned adult to make sense of distress. But it’s also true for adults because at any age, our need for safety, validation, and human connection remains essential. Lack of support after trauma can lead to:

• Deep shame: You may blame yourself if no one else acknowledged your pain.

• Self-doubt: You may question whether it “really happened” or whether you’re being dramatic.

• Persistent hypervigilance: Without external reassurance, your system may stay stuck in threat mode.

• Disconnection from others: If people you trusted weren’t there for you, it may feel unsafe to rely on anyone.

• Re-traumatisation: Being ignored, blamed, or silenced after trauma can be just as harmful as the original event.

Support Can Be the Turning Point

The presence of just one safe person, someone who listens, believes you, and stays with you, can dramatically shift the outcome after trauma. It creates what we call a "corrective emotional experience." It lets the nervous system know: This time, I’m not alone. This time, it’s different. Even if that support didn’t exist at the time of the trauma, it can still be healing now.

That’s part of what makes therapy so powerful. In the therapy room, the pain that was once held alone can finally be witnessed, validated, and given space. And that witnessing, gentle, non-judgemental, consistent, is often what begins to unlock the frozen places inside and allows the processing that needs to happen to take place.

If no one showed up for you after your trauma, that wasn’t your fault. If people dismissed or minimised what you went through, that doesn’t mean it didn’t matter.   Support makes all the difference in trauma recovery—and it’s never too late to receive it.

Trauma and Repetitive Patterns: Why We Relive What We Never Healed

One of the most painful and confusing aspects of trauma is that it doesn’t just shape how we feel, it shapes how we live. Trauma doesn't always show up as flashbacks or panic attacks. Sometimes it shows up as the jobs we don't apply for, the boundaries we don't set, the relationships we stay in, or the ones we run from.

Trauma has a way of creating repetitive cycles not just of symptoms, but of life experiences that feel eerily familiar. Even when a person wants change, they may find themselves stuck in the same loops over and over again. Clients often say things like:

• “Why do I always end up with people who treat me badly?”

• “I sabotage things just when they start going well.”

• “I avoid conflict even when it’s safe to speak up.”

• “I know it’s irrational, but I can’t seem to stop.”

These patterns aren’t choices in the traditional sense. They’re learned survival strategies, rooted in a nervous system that once had to protect itself and now struggles to update the message: “You’re safe now.” So you end up behaving in ways that are no longer helpful.

Have you ever told yourself “I’m not going to do that again”—and then done it anyway? Whether it's overeating, scrolling late into the night, texting someone you know isn’t good for you, or taking a substance you’ve promised to avoid, it can feel confusing and frustrating. You meant it. You decided. So why didn’t your behaviour match your intention?

Here’s the truth: your logical mind doesn’t always run the show.

The prefrontal cortex, the part of your brain responsible for decision-making, impulse control, and long-term thinking, can be easily overridden when your emotional brain senses threat, discomfort, or pain (even if it's emotional, not physical). That’s why you might eat past fullness, numb out with a substance, or fall into old patterns, even if you know better.

This isn’t weakness. It’s a neurobiological shortcut: your brain trying to protect you from distress using the fastest available tool, even if it comes with consequences later.

Why Trauma Creates Repetitive Life Patterns

Trauma leaves behind more than memories, it leaves behind implicit templates: mental, emotional, and behavioural blueprints that shape how we view ourselves, others, and the world.

Over time, these templates become core beliefs and relational habits, such as:

• “I’m not good enough.”

• “Love always comes with pain.”

• “If I speak up, I’ll be punished or abandoned.”

• “I have to stay in control to stay safe.”

These beliefs don't just sit in the mind, they live in the body, in the nervous system, in the choices we make (or avoid), often without conscious awareness.

The Brain Seeks Familiarity—Even When It Hurts

Here’s the paradox: the brain is wired for familiarity, not necessarily happiness. What’s familiar often feels safer than what’s new—even if it’s painful. This means:

• If you grew up in chaos, calm can feel unnerving.

• If you were shamed for having needs, intimacy may feel unbearable.

• If you were ignored or dismissed, you might overextend yourself to be accepted—or disappear completely.

• If love was unpredictable, emotional withdrawal may now feel like protection.

In essence, we replay past dynamics because they feel known. The nervous system would rather relive something painful but predictable than risk the vulnerability of change.

Common Trauma-Driven Repetitive Patterns

People with unresolved trauma may find themselves:

• Drawn to unsafe people: Chaos, control, or emotional volatility may feel like “home.” Even when red flags appear, the pull can feel magnetic.

• Avoiding intimacy or connection: Vulnerability can feel like a threat. The deeper the connection, the more exposed the nervous system feels.

• Sabotaging success or stability: Trauma often teaches people that good things don’t last—or that they don’t deserve them. Safety feels unfamiliar, and unfamiliar feels unsafe.

• Freezing in the face of mild conflict: Even a gentle disagreement can trigger panic, shutdown, or people-pleasing if past conflict led to fear, punishment, or abandonment.

These aren't signs of being "broken." They’re signs of a nervous system doing its best to navigate the world based on outdated information.

Healing: Breaking the Cycle with New Patterns

The good news is that what was learned can be unlearned—and replaced with new ways of relating to yourself and others. Healing doesn’t mean erasing the past; it means teaching your body and brain that it’s no longer happening. This might involve:

• Trauma-based therapies that help you regulate safety at the level of the nervous system (e.g., EMDR, polyvagal work)

• Relational repair: Learning what healthy connection feels like through therapy or safe relationships

• Cognitive reprocessing: Identifying and gently challenging core beliefs that no longer serve you

• Behavioural experiments: Trying new ways of responding in old situations—and allowing your nervous system to discover that it’s safe to do so

Healing is often a slow, repetitive process—but in the opposite direction. You begin repeating new patterns. You learn what safety feels like, what calm feels like, what it’s like to trust and be trusted. Over time, these become your new default.

You Are Not Your Patterns—You Are the One Who Can Change Them

If you find yourself stuck in the same cycles, please know: you’re not weak, broken, or doomed to repeat the past. Those patterns were born out of protection, not pathology.

With support, awareness, and nervous system safety, you can write new scripts. You can learn to relate, connect, assert, express, and receive in ways that don’t just avoid harm—but actively create joy, stability, and growth.  Because you were never meant to just survive.  You were meant to heal, and to live.

Can Trauma Be Healed? Yes. But It Requires More Than Talking

I can’t impress how important getting the right therapist is for working with trauma. Sadly, I so often work with clients that have started trauma work with clinicians not qualified to the correct level to treat them and this can do far more harm than good. In fact, for many people, repeating the story without the right support can be re-traumatising.

Healing from trauma isn’t as simple as “talking it through” or “thinking positively.” That’s because trauma doesn’t live just in the conscious mind, it lives in the body, in the nervous system, and in the unconscious templates we carry about ourselves, the world, and what is (or isn’t) safe. 

For some people, a supportive counsellor may be enough, especially when working through mild, and single-incident trauma.  But for others, particularly those with complex trauma, developmental trauma, or dissociative symptoms, traditional talking therapy may not go deep enough, could inadvertently bypass the most affected parts of the system, or even re-traumatise the client.

In these cases, it’s essential to work with a trauma-informed clinician who is specifically trained in the nuances of trauma response, someone who understands when to talk, when to pause, and when to work with the body, not just the story.  Someone who uses evidence-based therapies (as many therapies I see advertised have no or little evidence and are not recommended for trauma), and someone who knows not only how to work with you when things go well, but knows what to do when things start to go wrong, which they can with trauma work.

This kind of work often requires higher-qualified professionals, such as clinical psychologists or trauma specialists trained in specialised models.

Therapies That Integrate the Body (NICE-Recommended Approaches)

Because trauma impacts not only the mind but also the body and nervous system, effective treatment needs to address both.

According to NICE guidelines, trauma-focused therapies are currently recommended as first-line treatments for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD):

1. EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing)

   EMDR uses bilateral stimulation (such as eye movements or taps) while the client recalls distressing memories, helping the brain to reprocess traumatic experiences and reduce their emotional intensity. It is especially helpful when traumatic memories are fragmented or difficult to talk about.

2. Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (TF-CBT)

   This is a structured, evidence-based therapy that helps individuals understand the link between thoughts, emotions, and behaviours, challenge unhelpful beliefs, and gradually confront and process trauma-related memories. TF-CBT often incorporates elements of emotional regulation, grounding, and exposure to avoided situations in a safe, therapeutic way.

3. Prolonged Exposure (PE)

   Prolonged Exposure is a specific form of trauma-focused CBT that involves repeated, safe exposure to traumatic memories and avoided situations, helping the brain learn that the danger is no longer present.  It is highly structured and helps reduce avoidance, hyperarousal, and emotional numbing.  It is supported within the NICE framework as a variant of trauma-focused CBT.

These approaches are backed by strong evidence base and are effective for both single-incident trauma and more complex trauma presentations, particularly when adapted and delivered by trauma-informed clinicians.

What About DBT?

Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) is not currently listed in NICE guidelines specifically for PTSD, but it is recommended for individuals with complex emotional needs, particularly those who meet criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)—a diagnosis that often overlaps with complex trauma. DBT was originally developed for people who experience:

• Chronic emotion dysregulation

• Intense, unstable relationships

• Self-harming or suicidal behaviours

• Identity disturbance and dissociation

Because these patterns are common in survivors of complex or developmental trauma, DBT is often used as a foundational treatment to build emotional regulation, distress tolerance, and interpersonal effectiveness before moving into direct trauma processing. While DBT is not a trauma-processing therapy in itself, it is often used as a precursor or complement to trauma work, especially when the nervous system is overwhelmed or the person has difficulty staying emotionally regulated.

Emerging and Adjunctive Therapies for Trauma

While NICE currently recommends EMDR and trauma-focused CBT as first-line treatments for trauma, a number of emerging therapies are gaining recognition for their potential benefits, particularly in cases of complex trauma, where the body’s responses may be harder to access through traditional talking therapies alone.

These approaches are not currently included in NICE guidelines, but many trauma-informed clinicians integrate them into care plans to support emotional regulation, body awareness, and nervous system stability, especially when clients struggle with dissociation, shutdown, or “wordless” trauma.

They are best used alongside evidence-based therapies, and ideally under the guidance of experienced, trauma-trained professionals.

How Clinical Psychology Can Help

While many types of therapy offer support, trauma work often requires more specialised, structured approaches, especially when the trauma is complex, developmental, or long-standing.

Clinical psychologists are trained not only in general therapeutic approaches, but in how trauma affects the brain, body, attachment system, and behaviour. This allows for a more integrated, evidence-based approach to healing that includes:

• Comprehensive psychological assessment

• Tailored formulations that make sense of your experience, not just your symptoms

• Understanding of dissociation, shame, memory fragmentation, and chronic defence patterns

• Use of trauma-informed therapies rooted in neuroscience and attachment theory

Humans are wired for connection. Trauma, especially relational trauma, often leaves people feeling unsafe with others—or even unsafe in their own skin. A crucial part of healing involves co-regulation: experiencing a relationship where you feel seen, believed, and emotionally held.  A trauma-informed therapist can provide the consistent, attuned presence that may have been missing when the trauma occurred. Over time, these safe relationships help retrain the nervous system to expect safety, rather than threat, in connection.

Trauma often fractures identity. It tells you things like: You’re not safe. You’re not enough. You can’t trust anyone—not even yourself. Over time, these messages shape how you show up in the world. Healing means slowly rewriting those messages and reclaiming a self that feels whole. This includes:

• Processing shame and self-blame, and recognising what was never your fault

• Reconnecting with your values and what truly matters to you

• Exploring who you are outside of survival mode—including joy, rest, creativity, and belonging

Therapy helps to gently untangle the past from the present so you can live from a place of freedom rather than fear. And with the right support, you begin to remember that you were never broken. You were just doing what your brain and body had to do to survive.

Final Thoughts: You Are Not Broken—You Were Wounded

If you take just one thing away from this, let it be this:

Trauma is not your fault. Not the event, not your reaction, and not the lasting imprint it may have left behind. Your brain and body didn’t malfunction; they adapted. They stepped in to protect you in the only way they knew how. The dissociation, the hypervigilance, the shutting down or lashing out, these weren’t signs of failure. They were survival strategies, developed in conditions that were never meant for a nervous system to navigate alone.

You are not weak because you get triggered. You are not irrational for “overreacting.” You are not broken because you can't always explain what you feel. And you are certainly not “crazy” for forgetting parts of what happened or for still being affected by things long past.

These are not character flaws. They are the language of a nervous system that learned to protect you at all costs, even if those costs now show up as anxiety, avoidance, emotional flooding, or numbing. The patterns you carry were never random. They were intelligent responses to pain, neglect, fear, or abandonment. But what was once protective can now become restrictive.

Healing is about gently updating your system, helping your body and mind learn, not just logically but viscerally, that the danger has passed. That you're allowed to feel safe. That you're allowed to rest. That it's okay to feel, connect, and trust again at your own pace. Healing from trauma isn’t a straight line. It’s messy. It loops back. It pauses. It feels like progress one day and like drowning the next. That doesn’t mean you’re failing it means you’re human.

And with the right support—trauma-informed therapy, safe relationships, body-based practices, self-compassion you can begin to rebuild. To calm the inner alarm. To reconnect with your body not as a threat, but as home. To rediscover your identity, your joy, your voice. Healing isn’t about erasing what happened. It’s not about pretending you were never hurt. It’s about knowing, deep in your bones: it’s not happening anymore. It’s over. And you survived.  And now, your life can begin again, not defined by trauma, but by resilience, choice, and hope.

You were never too much. You were never too sensitive. You were never beyond healing.  You were wounded. And now, it’s time to do something new: to thrive.

As always feel free to get in touch, and until next time...

Carla